The Bad Corporate Video Oscars

by Alex Telfer

Less Hollywood more Colliers Wood, there’s no glamour and glitz here. The red carpet’s a Poundland rug… the gushing, celebratory speeches are embarrassed, mumbled apologies… and the after-party’s a lock-in at Yates Wine Lodge. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, members of the academy… it’s time for the Bad Corporate video Oscars!

While even charity shops reject VHS tapes these days (well, they refused my complete collection of Songs of Praise box sets) the viewing of online video content continues to grow at a staggering rate.

So much so, SpotDigital predict video content will be responsible for 90% of ALL internet traffic in 2019. (https://www.spotdigital.co.uk/2017/01/top-20-video-statistics-every-marketer-needs-know-2017/)

However, if you think knocking up an award-winning advert/sales presentation/training film etc. is easy… think again Spielberg. As you’re about to find out, the road to Hollywood superstardom is marked with humiliation.

So, sit back, relax, buy a bag of pic’n’mix (three foam bananas and a strawberry lace – that’ll be £11.50 please) and enjoy this celebration of how NOT to make a corporate video.

 

Best Sound Mixing

If Ennio Morricone’s too expensive and John Williams is busy with Star Wars: The Return of the Identical Plot, then why not just get your staff to sing over the demo track from a 1982 Casio Keyboard?

Here’s why not:

This award specifically goes to the overdubbed vocals that begin around the 21-second mark and turn dancing grandad into the very last person you’d want calling your house at 3am in the morning.

 

Best Cinematography (and bonus Best Supporting Actors award)

Cinematography: The cinematographer is responsible for all the visual elements of a film. He or she makes every creative choice related to composition, lighting, and camera motion—anything that audiences can see in a given shot. They determine everything from colour to depth-of-field—how much of the shot is in focus versus how much is blurry—from zoom to the positioning of people and objects within any given frame.

OR – as per this example:

Simply point the camera at a man who looks like cannon fodder from a Guy Ritchie movie as he stands in a driveway and delivers a strange sales pitch while being out-performed by two dogs he’s inexplicably holding.

 

Best Costume Design

It’s important for the participants in any video to look the part and thus convey the correct message to the audience. Just like in this promotional video for a brothel… err sorry recruitment company.

 

Best Actor and Actress

De Niro… Streep… Pacino… Winslet… Day Lewis… Blanchett… Might as well hang up the scripts guys – there are some new players in town:

 

Best Picture

And finally, here’s the one they’ve all been waiting for. Hold on to your hats!

Sometimes everything just comes together perfectly – stage presence, animation, costume design, music, and an electrifying script to produce a masterpiece of art and a triumphant, defining statement for mankind. But sadly, not in this cinematic tragedy:

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